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Ask a Hater: Slow Walkers

Question: Mr. Hater, why is it that when I've got to be somewhere I always find myself completely surrounded by slow walkers?

- Kevin J.


Dear Kage,

People are fat and lazy.  That's the answer to your question.  Am I saying anything knew?  Is this surprising?  Slow walkers have long been the bane of society, costing us our time, money, punctuality, and physical exercise.  

I personally only extend an exception to women under the age of 33 in high heels.  Because, I know she's wearing them for me and we've all got to make sacrifices.  I've gotta walk slower and she's gotta wear 'em.  But if you're 33 or older, what the hell are you doing in high heels anyway?  Get a husband already you old maid.


The worst is when I see people standing on escalators, motionless.  WALK!  You don't even have to walk fast, the thing is already moving.  Just move!  Especially if you're somewhere where time is significant, such as an airport or subway.  You think no one in that huge line you're creating behind you has anywhere to go?  Of course not.  I mean they wouldn't be at a subway station if they had anywhere to be.  How silly!  Just stand on that downward escalator as your fat ass blocks anyone pushing 15 minutes late for work trying desperately to make the D train that is about to pull out of the station.  Don't worry about it, I'm sure you had a difficult day, being fat and lazy and all.  Thank you sooooooo much!

In case you couldn't tell, I was being sarcastic.  Why is it that these people get to make me late for work, but then I have to pay a "soda tax" so they'll lose weight?  Where is the justice!


Grand Master Flash and The Furious Five

I'm not going to try and pretend I am some sort of expert on rap music.  But I'm also not some potser from Iowa and I do know that Grand Master Flash and the Furious Five is more than just and awesome sounding name for a Kung-Fu movie.

Flash and Melle Mel (the main rapper of the group, Flash was the DJ) are sort of like the Jimi Hendrixes of Hip-Hop.  

Alright, the threads might not have gone the distance, but their beats are as fresh as ever!

Flash revolutionized what people thought DJs could do with a turn table and a beat.  By slowing down the beats on his tracks, he brought the lyrics to the forefront, essentially creating rap as we know it today.

Mel's lyrics actually meant something worth listening to and he was able to say them with out sounding all up on himself and preachy (what up, Kanye).

Their record "The Message" is maybe the greatest achievement ever in the genre after you consider how ground-breaking it was.  You can listen to it today and it is still a solid track, yet, you almost never hear them mentioned, anywhere.

They never duplicated their success they had with "The Message" (although, Melle Mel did have another hit with "White Lines", a track that everyone thinks was done by Flash).  Even so, I feel like the general lack of respect these guys get easily gets them the title of Underrated.


Alex Chilton (1950-2010)

Alex Chilton might be the most unheralded father of modern indie/folk music today.

Wilco has covered him, and the Replacement's best song his about him.  But good luck finding anyone at a White Stripes concert that can name you one Big Star song.

I didn't even know that I had been listening to his songs (recorded by other people) for years until about a year ago.

Alex Chilton died today, and he was Underrated his whole life.  If you count yourself among the masses of people who have yet to appreciate his talent,  do yourself a favor, and never travel far without a little Big Star.