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Monday
Mar152010

The Dark Knight: You Really Ain't THAT Great

Now if you know me, and if you're reading this you probably do, you know that I am not some Batman fan boy wishing Heath Ledger was still alive so I could suck his dick.

I liked The Dark Knight as an action film.  Its exciting, its fun, its got explosions, and a solid villain that would make Hans Gruber proud.  But the more times I catch it on HBO and Cinemax the more plot holes I discover in what I am increasingly realizing is a seriously flawed movie.  

Alright, Ledger was pretty good, But the rest of the movie...eh

Don't believe me?  

You want a break down?  

Well, I hope so cause you're about to get one.  (And I'd like to note that all of these observations are completely off-hand).

#1: The Harvey Dent fundraiser.

The Joker and his boys show up and crash Wayne's party for Dent.  Okay, I'll buy that they could get in and wreak a little havoc, no prob.  But then after they throw Rachael Dawes out the window and Batman follows where do they go?  They just leave?  It isn't explained or discussed at all later on so the audience needs to assume they did.  Why?  They were there for Dent, did they just assume Dent wasn't there?  What the hell?

#2: Gordon faking his death.

Now I'm not going to sit hear and complain about the Batmobile causing collateral damage and I'll even buy that the mayor of a city will choose to show solidarity for the police force and show up to the commissioner's funeral despite the fact that he has a credible threat on his life floating around (which would NEVER happen in the real world), but why in the hell did Gordon fake being killed here?

It makes no sense at all.  Seriously.  Please try to make sense of it.  You can't.

#3: Gamble's thugs didn't search the Joker's men before they brought the "dead" body to Gamble.

This is minor, but still, is this amateur hour?  I guess it is if you wrote this script.  (OHHHH! Snap!)

And you thought THIS was ridiculous

#4: The whole sequence with Wayne's accountant.

Alright, this part really pisses me off.  First of all, why the hell would they move the accountant from the secure location of the news studio into a mobile car?  Second, when Wayne "saves" them by causing the accident he claims he was trying to "Make the light."

First problem, the light wasn't green and changing to red, it was red (thus the police caravan was idle waiting for the light to change).  What the hell was Wayne talking about... trying to catch what light?

Second problem, why the HELL is a police caravan stopping at a red light!?!?!?!  I live in NYC and I've seen a police caravan before, and they don't stop for shit.

#5: The Joker in the HQ or wherever.

Alright, you remember the part where the Joker insights that guy into a fight in the interrogation room, kicks his ass in 3 seconds, then comes out and asks for a phone call?  There are cops all around him pointing their guns ready to blow him away.  Well the Joker blows up the bomb and then "poof" every cop in the room is magically gone!  Not on the floor dead, or wounded, just gone.  Except the Joker is still there, standing in the middle of the room.  WTF!?!

#6: No one fires a single shot during the final showdown between the Joker's men and Batman/Gotham Cops.

Not a single shot from either side.

Watch out, I'm about to defy all logic and reason!

#7: "Five People Dead" - Gordon.

This line is the topic of a debate heating up on IMDB.  Gordon says it at the end to Batman referring to the carnage Dent caused.  Who the eff is he talking about?  Many Knight fan boys try to pass this off as Gordon misspeaking, but as a writer I can tell you it makes zero sense.  Until someone definitively explains this line I will just credit it to more sloppy writing.

#8: The Ferry Boat sequence.

Alright, Lets assume for a second that the people on the Ferries have no idea how untrustworthy the Joker has been in the movie up to this point.  That he lied about where Dawes and Dent were to Batman.  That he lied about bombing the bridges.  Betrayed the mob.  Blew up the hospital without knowing if the accountant had been killed.  

Lets assume that these people are taking the Joker at his word that the detonators won't just blow up both boats, or their own boat (what I thought was most likely).  So they don't want to blow each other up, fine. But why are they just sitting there?  Boats usually have lifeboats, or at least life vests.

Get off the fucking ferry!

Even if there aren't any lifeboats, hand out the vest and jump overboard!  You worried the Joker is watching?  Would you rather take your chances on the boat with the 1,000 pounds of explosives in the engine room?

I can see how this might present a problem for the ship with the prisoners on it but the fact that the other boat never even considered this is absolutely maddening to the point where I think they deserved to die.

 

So yeah, those are just a few little issues I have with this movie.  I guess, all I'm trying to say is... Dark Knight you might be a little: OVERRATED!!!

Friday
Mar122010

Earthquake Apocalypse?  Apocaquake!

Hey Crazy People!  You need to chill the eff out about this whole "Earthquake Apocalypse" garbage.

It seems that Earthquakes are the new Barack Obama for the Christian Crazies' sign du jour of the coming end of times (Look for a hastily made Sci-Fi flick starring Kari Wuhrer and Treat Williams to come out just in time for Easter).  And while it is true that they've been getting more play time these days than a Jonas Brothers song in a 13-year-old white girl's bedroom, the stats show it to be just a lot of media hype.

According to the be all and end all of Interweb data gathering, Wikipedia, there have been 15 or so noteworthy quakes so far this year ranging in magnitude from 3.5 to the 8.8 quake in Chile late last month.  Sounds like a decent amount, until you consider that quakes up to 6.9 in magnitude occur multiple times A DAY around the world.  Quakes with a magnitude up to 3.9 occur hundreds of times a day.

Even when you look in the wheel house of where most of these noteworthy quakes are hitting (6-6.9), there are still more than a hundred quakes of that level each year.

Yeah it is pretty crazy that there would be such a devastating quake as the Haiti quake followed closely by one as powerful as the first Chile quake, but I don't think we need to start calling Roland Emmerich (he "directed" 2012) a prophet just yet.

Want more proof?  Okay

Reason #1: New York is doing just fine.

In every disaster movie ever New York City is public enemy #1 for the inanimate evil.  As long as Lady Liberty isn't getting consumed by a tidal wave, or Grand Central isn't getting blowed up by a meteor, we're A-O-K.

Reason #2: No Lone Nay-Saying Scientist (Usually with Wife in Harm's Way).

So this is supposed to be a big deal?  Then where is Jeff Goldblum?  Dennis Quaid?  And why isn't he pleading with the president?  Don't tell me that stuff happens behind closed doors, how would I know about it if it did!?

Jeff's handled bigger problems than a couple of little Earth Shakes.

Reason #3: We have an Inspirational President Who is Kind of in a Rut... and He's Black.  Wait, what?

On second thought, this might not be the best point to make if I'm gonna argue against a world uniting disaster.  Although, good news for Obama, if the Quake-ocalypse is anything like the Aliens in Independence Day it should do wonders for his image.

The King of New York knows what a major disaster can do for your Re-Election chances.

So after examining all the evidence that I thought would best strengthen my argument, and ignoring all the evidence that wouldn't, I have come to the conclusion: Earthquake Apocalypse, you're Overrated!

Thursday
Mar112010

Get offa Facebook, Parents!

Parents need to get the eff off of Facebook.

If you are over 40 there is already about a 84% chance that you have no business being on Facebook to begin with, but if you are, do the world a favor and stay away from your kids!

Your kids don't want you adding your two cents to their post making fun of their friend's new haircut or a picture documenting their weekend debauchery.

And they especially don't want you acting like a crazy old person who doesn't even know who their own kids are...

Stop It!