The Winter Olympics?

You would think this was an easy one.  As much fun as it is to talk about, does anyone really enjoy watching curling?  More to the point, does anyone have any clue what the rules of curling are?

The Winter Olympics have about two days worth of cool and/or fun events and the rest is biathlons and stuff they don’t even bother to air on television.

I want to say the Winter Olympics are overrated.  I really do.  But the truth of it is, that aside from occasionally checking the medal tracker on ESPN because it would be kinda cool I guess if the United States finished with the most medals (which they didn’t, thanks for nothing Shaun White), I just don’t care.  I don’t care and I think most people feel the same way, which would be the very definition of the Winter Olympics being NOT overrated.

Of course, it didn’t help much that the U.S. didn’t have a real competitor this year in figure skating or that the men’s hockey team stunk it up in the medal round (the only two sports Americans care about).  The lead up to Olympics, with the anti-gayness (what will Johnny Weir wear!?) and shoddy construction were much bigger and more interesting stories than anything from the games itself.

The most talked about athlete at the Sochi Game? The Russian "president".

 

So, Winter Olympics, as we come to your closing ceremonies… or wait, did those already happen?  I honestly don’t know.  Are the Olympics even over?

Whatever, I guess you’re not overrated but that’s only because people could care less.  And I don't mean that in the serious, Puritan way, but in sarcastic, Jewish way..

Five Reasons Why Buzzfeed Sucks

Don’t Click the Link!

I know I’m not the first to talk about this.  In fact, there was a pretty popular internet video released all the way back in October by Best Show in the Universe that broke it down pretty extensively.  So why talk about it now?

Well, two reasons.

First, the Best Show in the Universe video featuring Maddox is very informative and interesting but it is also on the technical side and focuses a lot on intellectual property.  Complaining about people using the internet to steal intellectual property is kind of like complaining that water makes you wet.  Yeah, it does that.  Plus, the whole thing is kind of nerdy and joyless.  (Unlike this.  Bursting with Joy!)

Then, the real reason:

Buzzfeed seemed to peak in popularity late last summer.  It was nearly impossible to go on any social media site without being bombarded by list after list of mildly amusing GIF filled nonsense, and being the mindless slaves to laptop based procrastination that we all are, many a link was clicked.  Then towards mid-October the links started to become less and less, it became cool to hate it and it went away.  But something really scary started happening in the early morning hours of 2014… Buzzfeed started to make a comeback.  I, the lover of the free spirit of humanity that I am, could not sit idly by while Buzzfeed continued to crush it with lazy humor and bad writing. 

Thus, I give you the five reasons why Buzzfeed Sucks.

1. Random Numeric Values

You know what is nice about The Five Reasons why Buzzfeed Sucks?  It is centered around a milestone number, a number that has a roman numeral, its own dollar bill, a divisible of 100. 

You know what numbers aren’t divisible by 100?  28 and 17 and 31.

 

When you parse down a list to include only five or ten of something you improve the quality of said list and article.  You cut out all the fat so only the best remain.  When you leave in every single thing that enters your mongoloid brain you end up with the next problem on our list…

2. Vague Connections and References

On every single Buzzfeed list, without fail, there is no less than one or two articles within the list that either don’t match the title’s qualifier (I.E. someone who isn’t famous in New York City being on the list of “31 Celebrities Who are Only Famous to People Who Live in New York) or something that outright makes no sense.

Okay, two things. One, New Yorkers don't care about celebrities. We're above that. It's like a thing here. Two, Even if we did, we wouldn't give a shit about Funkmaster Flex.

It is ironic that this always happens since we’ve already covered that Buzzfeed has absolutely no parameters for how long a given list needs to be.

3. That GIF doesn’t really fit that 

A close cousin of reason #2.  Buzzfeed loves shoehorning in a random GIF that has nothing to do with the subject matter just because it will make the reader laugh (because the reader is a dumbass and is easily distracted by moving

 Woah, cool! Haha!

4. It belongs to the Evil part of the Internet

A lesser evil, to be sure, but evil nonetheless.  This is a lot of what Maddox was talking about in his video.  They steal intellectual property.  They’re unoriginal, lazy, uninformative and unimaginative.  When you read Buzzfeed you embrace all of these things.  It is that part of the internet that encourages you to stuff your face with string cheeze and play Farmville for eight hours.  Buzzfeed is the Michael Bay movie of the internet.  It exists for the sole purpose of feeding off of people’s horrible urge for instant gratification and a feeling of false community.  It is a manipulative, self-serving, soulless monster, not so unlike my ex-girlfriend.

Read about 28 things you probably already knew if you read the Harry Potter books, then discover the definitive rankings of Martin Freeman's middle fingers. You know, because that's worth your time.

5. You’re not that clever and no one really gives a fuck

Really only needed this one, probably.