Chopsticks

No not that song (does anyone even actually like that?), I'm talking about the...erm... "utensil".

 Holy #$%^ they replaced her boob with rice! Japanese people. (I really didn't want to use this picture but it was seriously like the only one on the internet with a person and chopsticks in the same shot).

Now, I understand that writing this immediately after the "Battle Royale" post is a risky play.  Not even a week after I lock up the entire Asian blog reading market I'm blowing it, but hey, I can't play favorites, I call em' like I see em', and China hasn't attempted to buy me out yet (Ehem, What is taking you so long!?).  

So chopsticks are going down!

I don't hate chopsticks or anything, I just think they're a little silly.  Being nifty with a pair of chopsticks impresses people and I'm actually pretty good at using them, but beyond a novelty, chopsticks are completely impractical.  To paraphrase Jerry Seinfeld, you don't see anyone trying to pick up leaves with a pair of pool cues.

At least they aren't Phantom Menace chopsticks

I get people defending them as a cultural thing, but its not like chopsticks is an art form and even if you argued that it was that doesn't excuse virtually everyone in China, Korea, Japan etc. using them exclusively over forks and spoons.

When something comes along from another culture that is far more practical and easier to use than something you have, you throw away your crap and adopt the new method.  You think Native American warriors kept using spears and bows after they got their hands on rifles?  Well, okay, maybe some did but good luck finding those guys, cause they're all dead, cause that was like 600 years ago or something.

Get with the program chopstick users!  Of course, I'm one to talk, here in America where we are still using inches and quarts.

Even so, America is not on trial here!  Chopsticks, you're overrated.

Okay, I have a hard time picturing a fork and spoon being more useful for this...

Red Dawn

There are just some things I will never understand.  Well, actually, I guess I do understand how people in the 80s thought Red Dawn was a cool movie.

It had Swayze, Howell, and Charlie Sheen back before Swayze was a ghost (for the first time), Sheen had a hooker problem, and Howell had no career.

It also stuck it to the Russians good and hard, a popular sentiment during the Reagan years.  But in today's world of Call of Duty and Band of Brothers a movie like this one would get laughed out of Hollywood.

Red Dawn might be the most unrealistic modern war movie ever.  The Russian soldiers make Vader's storm troopers look like Delta Force.  Seriously, the A-team fought more competent enemies.  Are you telling me they can't find a bunch of high school kids with absolutely no military training?  How the hell did they even get organized enough to invade in the first place?

The "heroes" are a bunch undisciplined, whiney, obnoxious, doofuses.  They just sort of hang out in the woods, with no light or noise discipline, and whenever they feel like it they go blow up a Russian base which all seem to be a comfortable walking distance away.

Don't the Russians have helicopters? Countless supplies at their disposal?  Trained soldiers?  Are the Russians even looking for them?  Oh actually, yes they are because they come up with that totally ridiculous plan of forcing the one guy to eat the tracking device so they can ambush them.  Why didn't that kid tell anyone that he had a tracking device in him anyway?

Is that John Candy on the end?

The only good thing I can say about this movie is that "Wolverines!" was a pretty clever name for that level in Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2.

Some people apparently love this movie because they think it is "patriotic" or whatever.  I say to those people, remember that scene where the Russians are executing the prisoners and instead of dying with some dignity the prisoners decide to scream a horrendous rendition of "Oh Beautiful for Spacious Skies"?  And they wonder why the communists hate us.

Red Dawn, you ain't Swayze, you're overrated.

Guitar Being a "Chick Magnet"

Now when I first started playing guitar about 11 years ago, I was pretty ignorant of this supposed perk.  I just thought it was cool and I could learn some Guns N' Roses songs.  Then one day, when I was hesitant about playing something for my sisters, one informed me.  And so I began to think, "This guitar thing could turn out to be a pretty awesome life choice."

Yeah, well 11 years down the road I can tell you, not so much.  I'm not saying I regret learning how to play guitar, I still like playing and yada-yada but as for a modus operandi for getting girls... its been less than an effective tool.

I mean, I've never really flaunted my guitar playing.  I didn't carry it around with me on campus, I didn't open up conversations with "Hey, I'm a guitarist.  How you doin'?"  When I played for other people I usually played original songs - significantly cutting back on sing-a-long opportunities.

You lied to me Jon Bon Jovi.

But, when I think about it, I can only ever recall one time when a girl was into me just after seeing me play guitar (and she was kind of a nasty skank).  I mean, sure, guitar has helped me close the deal after a girl is already interested, but that doesn't count.

It's particularly useless when you're in a bar filled with other musicians.  Then things just boil down to physical appearance, or God forbid, talent.

Kid Rock proves that fame will always outweigh talent and cleanliness.

I'm not saying that a girl is going to suddenly not like you if you drop the "by the way, I play guitar" line on her.  But as for being a "Chick Magnet" guitar, you're overrated.