Ask A Hater: Subway Edition

Dear Hater,

Hello my son(?)  I have seen many evils in my journey through all eternity and I have met them all with justice.  There are some people, however, that give me pause.  These wicked folk have forsaken me for their own causes and all of humanity has suffered for their vanity.  I speak, of course, of those who would block subway doors with their fleshen husks and those that would barge into a train without first allowing others to exit.  I ask you, Hater, who is more needed of my wrath?

Sincerely,

Puzzled by the Pearly Gates

Dear Puzzled,

Ah, an age old question for riders of public transit.  Many seemingly "normal folk" are guilty of these sins.

The short answer is: both.

But if you’d like to know which ones deserve to be in the Fourth Circle of hell pushes boulders and which ones deserve to be right in the middle getting munched on by Lucifer?  That is a tougher question.

A question reminiscent of another similar quandary: who deserves to die a more horrible death, people who don’t walk up escalators or people who don’t walk down them?  It takes a special sort of lazy person to not take the energy to walk down an escalator, but then its also slightly more challenging for the motor skill impaired.  A truly difficult riddle, but one for another day.

As for your question, lets take a look at the facts.

Despite an apparent common belief among subway riders, they are solid and other riders cannot pass through them.

People who charge into train cars blindly the second the doors open are scum.  They’re selfish, actively working to breakdown the laws of the delicate social contract by which we all abide.  They’re like those bastards who try to cheat the merge on off ramps.  These people only care about themselves and seeking out that one little sliver of bench remaining in the train car.  Because of their seat searching goals these offenders overwhelmingly tend to be women, with a distant second going to “young punks” or “riff-raff”.

Despicable to be sure, but are they worse than those who would be human door-blockers?

These sorry souls - mostly larger males (or just sassy, fat ladies) stand in the path of both those trying to exit out into the hellscape of the New York City underground as well as those attempting to brave the claustrophobic environment of the NYC subway car.  No matter your final destination, their indifference makes your day that much harder.

With great subway spots comes great responsibility.

And THAT is why, I, The Hater, rule that the door-blockers are the greater of the two evils.  They’re attempted destruction of the social contract isn’t based in any real goals or desires, they’re just lazy.  Lazy, selfish, a-holes.  Sure the best spot on the train to stand is nearest to the door, but you can’t move one foot out of the train while the doors open to let people by you?  That is worst part, you put one foot on the train platform and suddenly you go from being a selfish douchsnoggle to a subway benefactor because it gives the impression you’re holding the door for people to get on and making way for people to get off.  People actually thank me when I do it.

So I hope that made your day a little easier, Puzzled.  That is, if you even operate on a calendar.  How does that work exactly?  If you exist out side of time, why would you need to ask anything?  Are you quizzing me?  Ugh, Omniscience is tricky. 

If you agree or not, either way, both are not nearly as bad as those awful, horrible, insidious, “humans” that hold the door open for two extra minutes while their friends fail at swiping their metro card.

Ask A Hater: Sunglasses at Night

Dear Hater,

Why do people wear sunglasses at night?

- Kid Koala

Dear Kid with made up name,

People wear sunglasses at night for the same reason they wear orange spray tan, or that they use entirely too much hair gel... they are brutally misinformed.  You see, these people actually believe they look cooler with these accessories, and not like the tool boxes they end up very closely resembling.

If only there was someone good enough out there, that they respected (that is important because if its just some guy all we'll get is one more homoerotic brobrawl, and no one wants that), someone to tell them:  "Hey man, you look like a douche."  Maybe the Fonz.

I can probably count the number of living people cool enough to get away with wearing sunglasses at night on one hand, but regardless of the coolness factor, there are plenty of practical reasons not to wear sunglasses at night.

1.  You could seriously injure or maim yourself.

2.  People will think you don't know what decade it is.

3.  People will think you're blind.

4.  You look like a douche rocket.

I could go on, but you get it.

Everyone wants to be the next Corey Hart, and that's okay.  But I think the sooner we all just accept the fact that none of us will ever be able to match the songwriting genius of Mr. Hart, the better.

corey hart sunglasses at night
Uploaded by iowaluder. - See the latest featured music videos.

-The Hater

Ask A Hater: (Least) Favorite Musician

Dear Hater,

Who is your most hated musician out today?

- Coolio

Coolio,

Holy Shit! Let me first just say on behalf of everyone here at Rated Wrong how exciting it is to have a former celebrity writing us.  I never cared too much for any of your work but I loved "Amish Paradise" and have been known to rock out to Bad Hair Day to this very day.

Now to answer your question.  I know you might be inclined to think I'd hate on something obvious, like the Jonas Brothers or Katy Perry (who I would never hate!).

FACT: Katy Perry is very hot, making her very difficult to hate.

No, my most hated musician is none other than Delicious D.

Who is Delicious D you ask?  Well, I don't really know.  I've never listened to his music.  I've never read anything about him.  I don't even know if he's alive.  I clicked on his Myspace page once but exited out before it loaded.

All I know is that, for some ungodly reason, my Itunes decided that everything by the band Tenacious D is actually by this guy and so anytime I play a Tenacious D song this comes up on the album artwork...

What is more awesome than a white dude in a blue fluffy hat standing in front of a giant mound of cash in front of a massive explosion?

What the hell is that?  Certainly not Jack Black.  The image is so chock full of cliches (my favorite is the presence of the booty dancers with a little too much booty in the corner) that I question whether or not Delicious is meant to be taken seriously.

Either way, I flippin' hate this guy and am insulted that Apple products seem to think I'd ever listen to his music.

-The Hater

P.S. Just kidding Coolio, love "Gangsta's Paradise".