Boneless "Buffalo" Wings

Few inventions of man have been as majestic, brought as much happiness into this world as Buffalo Wings.

Invented in Buffalo, New York by Teressa Bellissimo these deliciously messy tiny bird parts have lit up the lives of millions of people across the world for years.

I still remember my first wing.  It was at Chili's and I was around 8 or 9 years old.  My sister Kerry talked my dad into going and to this day, Chili's wings are among my favorite saucy selections.  

True Story: I once got a girl to go out with me on a date at bar by going up to her asking if she wanted to go with me sometime to Chili's when this commercial was on the TV. The date was terrible, but it happened.

Yes, there is absolutely nothing wrong with Buffalo Wings.  Nothing.  Which is why it is such a horrific tragedy that an abomination like boneless wings exist.

Now, I don't claim to be a connoisseur of wings, but I do have very particular preference when it comes to my wings.  I'm picky.  They can't be too big, or breaded, or have too many spices on them.  Its more about consistency than flavor, but its still important.  I admit that just because I don't like a certain wing, it doesn't mean its a bad wing, unless it's boneless.

My first experience with them came at 99 Restaurant and Pub, where they don't even have a normal, all-american, bone-in option!  They were terrible, of course.  And so is 99. (true story: my sister Kerry once got a baked potato from them and it had a worm in it).

Boneless wins.  The only thing they remotely good for is cutting up and throwing on a pizza, that is, if you enjoy ruining perfectly good pizzas.

Most terrible of all, they allow one to eat the chicken with a fork and knife completely circumventing the messy cook out nature of the food.  To eat wings without getting some sauce on your face is like drinking non-alcoholic beer: what's the point?  It rips the very soul from the culinary goddess who gave us this gift.

I just thank God Teressa Bellissimo is not longer with us to see her beaufitufl creation bastardized so ruthlessly.

Boneless Buffalo wings, you're disgusting and very, entirely Overrated.

In What Order Should Children Watch Star Wars?

There will come a time in your life as a parent where you will have to sit down and have “the talk” with your children.  It may be something you plan for and confront head on, or it may erupt suddenly out of a harmless question: “Mommy, Daddy, what’s a Jar Jar Binks?”  And with those simple words, yousa gonna have to have a conversation.  

 Meesah the worst character evah."

How do you address this issue?  In what order do you show your children the six existing Star Wars films?  Do you show them all of them?  With 6 more on the way this issue becomes even more important to think about now so you can be prepared to fit the next 6 in.  Good news internet, I have compiled the four top theories and give you the pros and cons of each, so you can make this decision now and be prepared for when your child find your DVD stash under your bed in the years to come. 

Chronologically (1-6)

Pros: If this is the method you decide to show these films in I have one question for you: Why do you hate your children?  I really have no pros for this theory. 

 Kid Anakin is confused by you 

Cons: First of all you have to start with Episode 1; not only the weakest of the 6 but one of the worst films of all time, which will turn off your child to the rest of the series right off the bat.  Plus you give away one of the greatest reveals in the history of cinema.  “Luke I am your father” doesn’t really have the same oomph when you just watched little Vadar go through puberty and his genocidal emo period over a 3 movie stretch.

In Order of Release (4-5,1-3)

Pros: There are some pros to this theory, after all it’s the way most of us watched the series.  In this order the big Vadar reveal is preserved, and your child can get the same effect that almost everyone else who has seen all six Star Wars movies got.  This is a completely respectable way to do it, buuuuuut…

Cons: …you still show your children 2 sub-par films, and one shitty film, and they are all lumped together at the end of the series.  With no 16 year buffer to ensure the original trilogy won’t be damaged by the newer trilogy in their young malleable psyche.  There has to be a better way…

Only Originals (4-6)

Pros: The pros are easy to see here, you are showing your little darlings the classics, the true legendary trilogy.  Your children can marvel at the timeless story, the incredible effects, and the weird moment of incest.  Ahh a true childhood.  This order is the equivalent to bubble wrapping your living room and never letting them leave it until college.  Are you keeping the world from them?  Yes, but are they better for it?  In both cases, probably.

Cons: Kids grow up.  Eventually they will be in a dark alley and a man in a trench coat will approach them offering them more Star Wars.  Since they have only seen the good shit of course they will want more, and they will gladly pay any price for some sweet, sweet galaxy far, far away; but the force will never be as strong with those ones.  Better they learn from you what reality is than that guy on the streets.  The second con here is that the show “Star Wars: The Clone Wars” is actually a pretty decent show, definitely worth watching for your children and they won’t understand a lick of that without being exposed to those characters, which brings me to my favorite order:

The Flashback (4,5,2,3,6)

Pros: Let me set this up for you.  Watch Episodes 4 and 5 first, this allows your child to be immersed in the beautiful lore of this story in the best way possible, the way we experienced it.  Then, once the big Vadar reveal has happened at the end of “Empire,” throw episodes 2 and 3 in as a flashback to how Vadar got to where he is and the whole lineage of Luke Skywalker.  Finish that off with “Return” and you have yourselves a movie franchise.   I know what you’re thinking, “Keough you left out Phantom Menace.”  You’re right, I did.

 

On top of that movie being garbage it in no way advances the story or even sets the stage in any essential way for the rest of the films.  True, Qui Gon Jinn is a badass character that your child will be missing out on, but they really don’t explore what makes him so great in the film anyway.  He is truly flushed out as a character in the books and games that predate “Phantom Menace” which all have merit to them, unlike that film.  As for any other plot point you think the first movie is important for, they are all either rehashed, or explained, or rendered moot by the episodes 2 and 3, I promise.  “But Keough, pod racing!”  To which I respond: get out.

Cons: I really don’t see any to this order, it’s how I intend to show my kids these films and how I suggest you show yours as well. 

There you have it.  Since by all accounts these next 6 films will take place substantially in the future from “Return” I don’t think that any of these orders will have to be altered to include them, they can simply be tacked on the end.  Do you think you have a better order?  You are wrong, but send it along anyway, I would love to read it/tell you how wrong you are.  Thanks for reading!  May the force be with you.

Hero Quest and Battle Masters

It really is true what they say:  Childhood ain't what it used to be, especially now that we ain't children.  But, we'll always have memories and no memory will be more valuable to me than that Christmas morning that I awoke to find that I had gotten both Hero Quest and Battle Masters.  If I remember correctly, I was seven years old and it was the last Christmas that I was still buying in to the Santa Claus mythos which was thanks - in no small part - to recieving these games.

What were they?

First, how dare you for asking.

Second, they were two fantasy adventure board games made by Milton Bradley in conjunction with Games Workshop.  Battle Masters and Hero Quest were inspired by and partially connected to the popular game and collectable series WarHammer instantly making both the dorkiest things I ever posessed as a child.

Both games came with a lot of little - very breakable - figurines (that were paintable, although I never did that... I could barely even get the stickers on right).  Both games took a long time to set up, especially Battle Masters, which could take a seven year old a good 40 minutes.  Both required hour or more long time comittments from preferrably 3-4 people.

For the craftier... and dorkier among us.

So, to put that last paragraph into simpler terms:  I didn't spend very much time actually ever playing either of these games.  Most of the time I'd just open the box and look at the little guys.  I probably played Battle Masters more often, because it was simpler and only required two people (thanks dad!), which is tragic because Hero Quest was really the more special of the two.

Where Battle Masters was more or less really complicated two-player risk, Hero Quest has imagination and suspense.  There were levels and plots and secrets you could unravel.  I remember flipping through the quest book looking at all the layouts, reading all the stories, probably only ever actually playing 2 or 3 of them.

Even if I didn't get to fully enjoy these games when I had them, it was still great getting to experience them at all.  And maybe I shouldn't be so bummed they're gone, because if I had gotten the full effect, maybe I would have gotten really into fantasy and then I would have gotten really into D&D and then I would have gotten really into World of Warcraft and then I would have gotten really into Mountain Dew and Funyuns and then I would have gotten really into lonlieness.  All for the best.