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Entries in Star Wars (4)


Jurassic World, Star Wars, Terminator, Teaser Trailers for Teaser Trailers and 2015: The Year of the Franchise

Unless you hate the internet or are Robin Williams' chracter from Jumanji you've seen both the new teaser trailers for Jurassic World and Star Wars: Episode VII.  Well today, we've got another one.  Not a teaser trailer, but a teaser trailer for the teaser trailer.  This time for the upcoming 5th installment to the wayward Terminator franchise: Terminator: Genisys (actually its a reboot, but whatevs).

Yeah, that's right, there isn't very much to see.  For a franchise that has been unable to find its mojo ever since 1991, fans seem pretty wary.  Regardless of the film's quality, this pre-teaser marks a trend for big tent pole films that is dangerously close to becoming a staple of big budget films.  With Jurassic Park and Star Wars setting the precedent it would appear that movie studios are very close to finding yet another way to cash in.

For years now, the quality of trailers have gotten higher and higher.  It is the norm for trailers to feature exclusive music score and dialogue.  Completely mediocre movies have had heartstopping traielrs (Man of Steel).  It would be no stretch at all to see websites start paying big bucks for exclusive rights to certain trailers (at least, for the first few weeks of their release).

Hollywood has approached a time in their history when making a good trailer can actually be just as lucrative as making a good movie (Man of Steel grossed over 668 million dollars).

Hunger Games 4, the search for even more money.

2015 is likely to be a big year for the box office.  Between the aforementioned films, the final Hunger Games, Avengers 2, and yet another James Bond movie it is likely to be one crowded summer action plate.   So brace yourself for total saturation of the trailer for the trailer of the trailer.  I can deal with all of these unorginal, over long, nice looking but mostly hollow action adventrues, but I just ask that I am spared the absurd hype machine surrounding them.  I could call them Overrated but that won't save me from them.  Next summer is going to be very noisy and I'm probably not going to spend much time at the movie theater... except for Star Wars, I'm so excited to be disappointed by that shit.


In What Order Should Children Watch Star Wars?

There will come a time in your life as a parent where you will have to sit down and have “the talk” with your children.  It may be something you plan for and confront head on, or it may erupt suddenly out of a harmless question: “Mommy, Daddy, what’s a Jar Jar Binks?”  And with those simple words, yousa gonna have to have a conversation.  

 Meesah the worst character evah."

How do you address this issue?  In what order do you show your children the six existing Star Wars films?  Do you show them all of them?  With 6 more on the way this issue becomes even more important to think about now so you can be prepared to fit the next 6 in.  Good news internet, I have compiled the four top theories and give you the pros and cons of each, so you can make this decision now and be prepared for when your child find your DVD stash under your bed in the years to come. 

Chronologically (1-6)

Pros: If this is the method you decide to show these films in I have one question for you: Why do you hate your children?  I really have no pros for this theory. 

 Kid Anakin is confused by you 

Cons: First of all you have to start with Episode 1; not only the weakest of the 6 but one of the worst films of all time, which will turn off your child to the rest of the series right off the bat.  Plus you give away one of the greatest reveals in the history of cinema.  “Luke I am your father” doesn’t really have the same oomph when you just watched little Vadar go through puberty and his genocidal emo period over a 3 movie stretch.

In Order of Release (4-5,1-3)

Pros: There are some pros to this theory, after all it’s the way most of us watched the series.  In this order the big Vadar reveal is preserved, and your child can get the same effect that almost everyone else who has seen all six Star Wars movies got.  This is a completely respectable way to do it, buuuuuut…

Cons: …you still show your children 2 sub-par films, and one shitty film, and they are all lumped together at the end of the series.  With no 16 year buffer to ensure the original trilogy won’t be damaged by the newer trilogy in their young malleable psyche.  There has to be a better way…

Only Originals (4-6)

Pros: The pros are easy to see here, you are showing your little darlings the classics, the true legendary trilogy.  Your children can marvel at the timeless story, the incredible effects, and the weird moment of incest.  Ahh a true childhood.  This order is the equivalent to bubble wrapping your living room and never letting them leave it until college.  Are you keeping the world from them?  Yes, but are they better for it?  In both cases, probably.

Cons: Kids grow up.  Eventually they will be in a dark alley and a man in a trench coat will approach them offering them more Star Wars.  Since they have only seen the good shit of course they will want more, and they will gladly pay any price for some sweet, sweet galaxy far, far away; but the force will never be as strong with those ones.  Better they learn from you what reality is than that guy on the streets.  The second con here is that the show “Star Wars: The Clone Wars” is actually a pretty decent show, definitely worth watching for your children and they won’t understand a lick of that without being exposed to those characters, which brings me to my favorite order:

The Flashback (4,5,2,3,6)

Pros: Let me set this up for you.  Watch Episodes 4 and 5 first, this allows your child to be immersed in the beautiful lore of this story in the best way possible, the way we experienced it.  Then, once the big Vadar reveal has happened at the end of “Empire,” throw episodes 2 and 3 in as a flashback to how Vadar got to where he is and the whole lineage of Luke Skywalker.  Finish that off with “Return” and you have yourselves a movie franchise.   I know what you’re thinking, “Keough you left out Phantom Menace.”  You’re right, I did.


On top of that movie being garbage it in no way advances the story or even sets the stage in any essential way for the rest of the films.  True, Qui Gon Jinn is a badass character that your child will be missing out on, but they really don’t explore what makes him so great in the film anyway.  He is truly flushed out as a character in the books and games that predate “Phantom Menace” which all have merit to them, unlike that film.  As for any other plot point you think the first movie is important for, they are all either rehashed, or explained, or rendered moot by the episodes 2 and 3, I promise.  “But Keough, pod racing!”  To which I respond: get out.

Cons: I really don’t see any to this order, it’s how I intend to show my kids these films and how I suggest you show yours as well. 

There you have it.  Since by all accounts these next 6 films will take place substantially in the future from “Return” I don’t think that any of these orders will have to be altered to include them, they can simply be tacked on the end.  Do you think you have a better order?  You are wrong, but send it along anyway, I would love to read it/tell you how wrong you are.  Thanks for reading!  May the force be with you.


Crazy Mystery Movie Soundtrack Language

"Aaaaayaaa preyyyyyyaaaa ummmmmmmmmm" - Enya Lyrics

You know when you're watching some big grand battle scene in a movie, like say, Lord of the Rings?  Or Gladiator?  Well sure enough, behind every awesome action sequence is that same gibberish-like choral music pushing the intensity up to eleven (Phantom Menace anyone?)

It even made an appearance in Star Craft II's soundtrack.

Add the right music and suddenly this parking lot of nerds becomes an epic battle between good and evil

What is that crazy language they're singing?  Some sort of combination of Italian, Indian, and Elvish?  If you know, DO NOT TELL ME!

This mysterious gibberish talk is far more fun to listen to without knowing what it is.  Honestly, the people who wrote it just picked the best sounding words from like four different languages with no consideration for their meaning.  Something like "pretyos, se myntos pellios" actually means "butter, jump lipstick pellios".  How much would that ruin the end of "Independence Day"?  A lot, probably.

So Underrated bizzaro nonsense language, keep on trucking, and keep sounding awesome.