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Friday
Jul252014

Top Five Saturday Morning Cartoons!

Saturday Morning Cartoons were an integral part of any American kid's youth.  They dictated what games you played with your friends, what sort of lunch box you brought to school, and what you asked for on your birthday.

As adults most of these cartoons are distant memories that we hope can remain a beautiful piece of nostalgia connected to a simpler time for us, and not some crappy Michael Bay movie.  Here at Rated Wrong we are not satisfied to let sleeping dogs lie and a list has been constructed assigning value to each of our precious childhood memories.

Now, to the rankings!

But first...

Before we get down to it, there are some ground rules.

#1.  The Cartoon must have originally aired between 1986-1995 (Age 0-10 for your's truly).  So, Sorry He-Man, but the only real memories I have of you are my siblings and cousins talking about you.

#2.  It must have actually been a SATURDAY MORNING CARTOON.  This means Batman The Animated Series, Ren and Stimpy, Animaniacs and all Nickelodeon and Disney cartoons (who only aired old Looney Tunes and cartoons for babies in the AM) are out!

#3.  Toys matter.  Let's not kid ourselves, 99% of Saturday morning cartoon episodes were interchangeable, disposable, crap.  It was the look of the show that made it great.  Looks count.  Toys count.

Now, to the rankings!

But first...

Honorable Mention

G.I. Joe (1985)

You know, if there was some sort of technological apocalypse and suddenly no one could access a television or computer, I'm not certain I could even be convinced there was ever a G.I. Joe television cartoon.  By far the most memorable thing to spawn from them was the PSA's.  I challenge anyone to tell me about the plot of any episode of G.I. Joe the animated series.  I don't think it can be done.

What can be done, is a massive plastic war between all the great action figures.  I probably had twice as many G.I. Joe toys than anything else growing up.  I even remember that I somehow ended up with three of the same guy at one point.  My favorite were probably the little helicopter dudes.

Also, the movies aren't totally awful.

Surprise Ommission

ThunderCats (1985)


I'm just gonna kill the suspense right now, ThunderCats doesn't make the list.

I could make up some nonsense reason about animation or characters, but the truth is, I simply don't remember ever watching it.  Maybe I'm a weirdo, maybe it only aired when I was at baseball practice, I don't know.  But aside from the theme song, the names of a few characters, and "ThunderCats Ho!" - all of which I didn't discover until years later - I couldn't tell you a thing about this show.  So ThunderCats, I'm sorry, but if it's any consolation you had to make room for this next forgotten classic...

#5

Dino Riders (1988)

"Harness the Power of Dinosaurs".  Dino Riders had, bar none, the coolest toys of any Saturday morning cartoon ever.  Just Look at it, LOOK AT IT!

My connection to Dino Riders pretty much solely extends to visiting my cousin Brian's house as a child and watching his VHS tapes of the show.  I loved it, but to this day have never met another soul who remembers it.

Dino Riders was the pinnacle of cynicism in children's entertainment.  A mere 14 episodes were rolled out to help promote the toy line (but oh, what a toy line!).  In spite of this, the show did have a few memorable characters and a plot that was brilliant in its simplicity (even if it was kind of a Transformers rip off).

Also, the main bad guy sounded exactly like Dr. Claw from Inspector Gadget.

#4

Transformers (1984)

"More than Meets the Eye."  Tranformers is another one that I can't remember much about it in the way of characters or engrossing story line.  I knew there was Optimus, Megatron, Starscream, Bumblebee, the cop car one, the one shaped like a cassette, and Hot Rod (that little bitch) from the movie.

What I do remember, is my 7th birthday, when I got Starscream the action figure.  I instantly knew, I KNEW, it was the coolest toy I had.  It had guns, missiles, was surprisingly big, and could turn into a fighter jet.  I mean, I also had Optimus Prime but c'mon, Starscream turns into a freakin' fighter jet.

#3

ExoSquad (1993)

The surprise pick on this list and also - by far - the best show.

ExoSquad, according to Wikipedia, was made in response the rising tide of Japanese anime.  The end result was a fun and surprisingly intelligent sci-fi war cartoon.  Drawing inspiration from a slew of Sci-fi sources including, Star Trek, Mechwarrior, and Starship Troopers (the novel).  Interestingly, the plot is quite similar to the remake of Battlestar Galactica, although it predates it.

If you can track down the two seasons for viewing, I highly recommend.

Also, the toys are awesome, of course.

#2

X-Men (1992)

X-Men, an unabashed classic of childhood for anyone between the ages of 25 and 35 had a lot going for it.  The show itself had strong, fun characters thanks to the source material.  It also had actual plots and memorable episodes.

The opening is great.  Introducing the cast of heroes (with Cyclops first, because he is the best).  And it will be forever immortalized in the party arcade game (dibs Nightcrawler!).

It was one of the most talk about shows at Center Road Elementary.  But, for me, it was difficult to catch it on Saturday mornings, because it ran in direct competition with the next show on the list...

#1

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1987)


Was there ever any doubt?  You might have played X-men with your friends growing up.  You may have even watched an episode of G.I. Joe.  But everyone played TMNT.  

Everyone had a favorite (Mine was Michelangelo, for his love of pizza, fun personality, and wearing of the greatest color of all time: orange).  Everyone saw the movie when it came out.

There was an endless supply of action figures, and you and all your friends had 'em.  Even the side characters were memorable.  Casey Jones and Mono Gecko will always hold a special place in my childhood memories.

People still wear TMNT t-shirts and dress up like the characters on Halloween.  I could probably sing most of the theme song from memory (Leonardo leads, Donatello does machines "That's a fact, jack").  And in the UK, they had to change their name to Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles because Margaret Thatcher thought they were destroying the youth of the world!  How cool is that?

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles has been a lifelong celebration for children of the 80s, and it will never stop, at least until Michael Bay ruins it.

Friday
Jun132014

Game of Thrones MVP Watch

In the Game of Thrones, you win or you die.  Every year there are multiple winners and losers, but one always dreams bigger and rises above the competition.  This person/creature/ice scythe is the Got MVP.

This Father's Day Game of Thrones will explore what Father/Daughter dinners are like in Westeros for it's season 4 finale, "The Children."  This season of GoT has been incredible, cashing in on a wealth of great storylines and characters for must-watch television just about every week.  The finale looks to be no different as showrunners are touting it as possibly the best episode yet of the series.

But who has had the best season this year in Westeros/Essos?  While nothing is final until the direwolf howls, lets attempt to give it our best guess as who will be riding the highest going into the break.

But first a recap of past MVPs:

Season 1 MVP: Daenerys Targaryen

Runner Up: Cersei Lannister

This is actually a much closer contest than it first appears.

Sure, Dany goes from being the abused younger sister of a psychopath to the forced bride of a (slightly dashing) murderous barbarian to the mother of three bad-ass dragons, but lets not forget Cersei Lannister and all she accomplished.

Cersei self maneuvered her way from being the unappreciated queen to a fat, drunken king to nominal Queen Bee in Westeros.  Sure, she had a little help along the way, what with brother/boyfriend Jaime pushing a small child from a high window, Lysa Arynn poisoning her husband juuuusst before he got Cersei sentenced to death, and Ned Stark fumbling the ball on the 1-yard line.  But, it takes that kind of luck to win it all.

In any other season Cersei would have locked up the MVP with ease, but alas, dragons.

LVP: Visery Targaryen

There were other losers, but none of them whined more or lost with less grace than Viserys.

Seaon 2 MVP: Tyrion Lannister

Runner Up: Tywin Lanniser

Tyrion was given his chance to shine in season two and shine he did, like wildfire.  As the acting Hand of the King, Tyrion was largely responsible for holding King's Landing and Joffrey's regime together during the tumultuous War of the Five Kings.  While he had allies, he went most of the season as a player/coach both designing masterful game play and carrying it out with precision and spirit.

Tyrion is also the only player on the season that kept his scorecard free of any major losses.  Roadwarrior Robb Stark lost key battles on the home front thanks to incredibly incompetent or traitorous subordinates.  Dany had success but she also didn't seem to understand anything going on around her.  Tywin gets the nod for his late season "heroics" but early in the season he did little more than exchange mildly witty banter with a sort-of-in-disguise Arya Stark.

LVP: Xaro Xhoan Daxos

Talked a big game, but had absolutely nothing going for him.  Had man boobs.

Season 3 MVP: Dany Targaryen

Runner Up: Tywin Lannister

It was a great year for most anyone named Lannister or Bolton in season 3, but Dany takes home her second trophy and it isn't even close.

Tywin upped his game this season, absolutely eviscerating anyone that dared sit down with him for a conversation.  But, Dany conquered two cities, recruited an army, started using her flippin' dragons as weapons, recruited a bigger army, and managed to also pick up something like four or five new boyfriends in the process.  The worst she had to endure were a couple of insults flung her way by guys that would either end up getting killed by one of her aforementioned boyfriends or cooked by one of her aforementioned mother-effing dragons.  Pretty flawless play all around.

LVP: Theon Greyjoy

It was a rough year for anyone with the last name Stark, but they all had a holiday in the sun compared to the seven hells that Theon Greyjoy experienced this season.  The only thing worse than what happened to Theon was the fact that we had to watch it.  All-time LVP season.

SEASON 4 MVP Projections


Odds:

Cersei - 5:2

Littlefinger - 3:1

Jon Snow - 6:1

Dany - 8:1

The Hound and Arya - 9:1

Tyrion - 16:1

Tywin - 19:1

Bran - 22:1

Stannis - 26:1

Ser Pounce - 50:1 

Theon - 250:1 (His odds might be better if he were dead)

Oberyn - R.I.P.

Right now it is a dead heat between Cersei and Littlefinger.  Cersei smoothly handled rival Margaery Tyrell, her father Tywin (who's table game has taken a drop in quality this season), and even held her own against Oberyn Martell.  If Cersei gets her ultimate revenge on her little brother and Tyrion's head ends up on a spike it would be hard not to give her the title.  

Littlefinger is a character that came out of nowhere this season.  Always fun to watch but rarely the center of attention, he not only orchestrated some pretty big plays this season but a few very impressive past accomplishments came to light (Being responsible for the murder of Jon Arynn essentially means everything that has happened in Westeros the last 2 years is because of him).  The guy might not be the flashiest player but his accomplishments are unparalleled.  being born with almost no money, fame, or holdings he has risen to become one of the most powerful men in Westeros and nominally rules over nearly a third of the continent.

If Jon Snow manages to survive his meeting with Mance he'll have had a very strong season in surprisingly limited play, even if he probably won't get much credit for it.  The tag team of The Hound and Arya have been fun to watch but it seems unlikely they're to pull off a big enough win late to give them the points needed to take home the trophy.  

Will Jon Snow know the glory of an MVP? Maybe, if he lives.

Dany and Tywin have surprisingly played themselves out of contention.  Tywin was unable to ever get his feet under him this season and failed to command his usual control.  Despite a strong start for Dany her decision to banish Jorah reeks of bad karma.

Both Bran and Stannis look to make late plays this weekend, but they're unlikely to cause a big enough splash to come away with anything but an honorable mention.

Tyrion is all but out of contention as well but fans would likely be more than happy to settle for his survival.

Regardless of who wins the coveted MVP for Season 4 one thing is for certain, it will not be Theon Greyjoy.

Friday
Jun062014

Requiem for a Generation: the Greatest Games of the Last Console Generation

With the emergence of the PS4 and Xbox One last year the games of yesterday are now the games of yester-year.  Last week, we gave props to the greatest game series of the last console generation: Batman: Arkham Etc.  Today we tip our caps to the greatest individual games of the PS3/Xbox generation, the five greatest to be exact.

 

5. Call of Duty: Black Ops - Treyarch/Activision

This would not be much of a list if the FPS (first person shooter) to end all FPS's was not acknowledged in some way.  The Call of Duty series is arguably the most recognizable game series of the last 10 years, right up there with Halo and Madden.  The trouble is singling one out from the crowd.  The games make their money on a formula and they are so faithful to it things all start to look the same.  In the end it came down to which game in the series offered the most "perfected" incarnation of this formula.  That game is Black Ops.

The campaign is among the best in the series - being the first game in the series to utilize quick time events - and it boasts an impressive cast of voice actors including Gary Oldman, Sam Worthington, and Ed Harris.  The highly popular "Nazi Zombies" games from World at War are back (although with diminishing returns).  It's all pretty fun, but that's not why anyone plays CoD.

Every new game in the CoD series features a slightly different multiplayer experience.  Players never seem to struggle to find things to complain about with each new version.  None are perfect, but the Black Ops multiplayer is the closest the series gets.  The game is slowed down compared to other versions letting players move away from a strictly "reactionary" style of play in favor of a more strategic one, in which map lay-outs, coordinated attacks, and vantage points all hold double the importance of any other game.  Sadly, as with all formulaic game series, Black Ops has been history for a few years already having been set aside for sharper, faster, sleeker games.  The new versions may be fun, but everything after Black Ops is just an imitation.

4. Dark Souls  - From Software/Bandai

"Prepare to Die".  That is the tagline for the #4 game on the list, Dark Souls, and believe me when I say it tells no lies.  The game that takes fan favorite Skyrim to the mat, Dark Souls is an open world, role playing, dungeon crawler that fans love for its replayability, highly original multiplay dynamics, and incredible difficulty.  

A game with a rich mythology that you have to search to discover, Dark Souls goes far out of its way to reward players willing to put the time in to, not only win, but explore.  The lore of this game is so rich that you can log 100 hours and not even home close to unearthing it all (trust me, I speak from experience).  The difficulty of the game will have you turning off your system a few times in blind rage, but give it an hour, and you'll come back for more.  You will curse, you will groan, you will say "C'mon!", you will die, and you will have fun.

3. Portal 2 - Valve


Sorry, Tetris, but Portal 2 is the greatest puzzle game of all time.  Innovative, beautifully designed and challenging, Portal 2 would be a great game if it was just room after room of puzzles.  But it is so much more.

You'd never expect it when you first start to play it's seemingly innocuous predecessor, Portal: Still Alive, but the Portal universe is one of the most fascinating and lush of any game series.  That is what makes this game so great.  It isn't just the story, but the way it is revealed to the player.  Everything builds from darkness to enlightenment, like a light bulb slowly turning on to reveal the wold around you (which, in the case of Portal, is quite a terrifying place).

Portal 2 plays out like a black comedy noir.  Fantastic voice acting turns by Stephen Merchant and J.K. Simmons bring the perfect balance of terror (what they say) and hilarity (how they say it) to the game.  The ambient/electronic soundtrack along with the haunting imagery of the game gives everything a properly eerie feel.  Then, of course, there is GlaDOS.

GlaDOS, the passive-aggressive and darkly sinister super-computer that is a lot like HAL9000, if HAL9000 had the personality of a psychotic girlfriend that decided she was going to methodically ruin your life because you forgot to take out the trash one too many times.  Chosen by IGN and GameInformer as the greatest video game villain OF ALL TIME, GlaDOS returns from the dead in Portal 2 to take vengeance and dole out some serious psychological warfare (in the form of scathing sarcasm) on her nemesis Chell, the heroine of the series.

Portal 2 challenges you, not just to solve puzzles, but to solve a mystery.  The results are a hell of a good time.

The Last of Us - Naughty Dog/Sony

I already went deeply in depth into what makes this game so fantastic during last year's Year In Review series when I rated in the Game of The Year, but it was so good it deems repeating.  Gorgeously rendered, expertly told, and a joy to play, The Last of Us was a single console release (PS3) and the last great game its generation.

The game mechanics and style of play are fantastic, allowing for players to have a varied number of game play experiences.  Want to play a stealth/hunter game?  You can.  Want to just run around unloading a shotgun on bad guys? you can do that too.

The game play is enough to make it memorable, but the story of The Last of Us is what makes it special (notice a theme?).  In any serious game with voice actors there comes a moment of groan inducing hoaky-ness that gives birth to the phrase "Great story, for a video game".  Resident Evil, Call of Duty, Assassins Creed they all have their moments of weakness (Final Fantasy is full of them).  The Last of Us is one of those truly few games that has the story and script that will draw you in as effectively as any movie or television show.  It is simply excellent story telling.

1. Bioshock - Irrational Games/2K

Dark, exciting, nerve wracking, beautiful, I could go on for days with adjectives that make Bioshock the greatest game of the last console generation.  Also mentioned in last year's Year in Review, this is a game that I will never tire of playing.

A fast paced FPS, Bioshock, takes familiar game mechanics gives them a tweak here and there and throws it into a wholly original world and lets you have at it.

Inspired by the musings of novelist, champion of objectivism, and tea party patron saint, Ayn Rand, Bioshock takes Rand's paradise city of Galt's Gulch from Atlas Shrugged and dives deep to see what life may have been like in such a paradise had it existed.

Man alone is responsible for the world of Rapture, and Man alone suffers in it.

Of course, by the time the events of the game transpire, the underwater city of Rapture is no paradise.  It is a bombed out hellscape where drug addicts fight viciously under the banner of warring megalomaniacs, Andrew Ryan and Frank Fontaine.  The Orwellian world that Bioshock brings the player to is rich with fascinating characters and dark history, all in front of a majestically designed 1940s style art deco backdrop in a city under the sea.

Sander Cohen, Rapture's Phantom of the Opera.

When it isn't turning your knuckles white, this game is delighting you some fantastically original characters and sending shivers down your spine with disturbing imagery.  GlaDOS might be the biggest and baddest, but Andrew Ryan and Frank Fontaine (also known as Atlas) are two of the most complex villains ever to be pixelated.  Part noir, part science fiction, Bioshock is a gripping game experience that not only makes you think but might even get you to read something.