Ask a Hater: You're Welcome, Now Get the Hell Outta My Face

Dear Hater,

The other day I held the elevator for someone, no big.  But then when they got in they were all out of breath and all up in my face with all this "thank you so much" business.  Which would have been cool if they didn't have the most heinous smoker's breath.  Why do people think it is okay to be breathing all up on me with out so much as putting a lifesaver in their pie-hole first?

-Erica

Dear Ericamerica,

First I would like to congratulate you on holding the elevator, spread the love.  Second, I feel your pain.

Keep a minimum of 3 feet from Amy at all times.

There are few things worse than getting a big face full of nasty smoker stench.  Another might criticize you, claiming you wouldn't feel so strongly if you took a puff every once in a while yourself.  But I say nay.  Why should you have to change?  They're the ones that suck.  With their smelly, expensive, habit that, oh yeah, can kill those around them.

But this situation is so classic.  You do something nice for somebody, and they repay you with a level two Pokemon attack.  Its disappointing, but not surprising (I'm sure Jewish mothers everywhere can relate).

Haven't these people ever heard of Altoids?  They're more than just a logo on the tin you keep your weed in.

The sad part is, there isn't much that can be done.  Just like war and limp bizkit songs, there will always be bad breath.  I wish I had more for you, some sliver of hope to offer, but no (I am "the hater" after all).  Oh well, just maybe next time carry some binaca.

Don't worry, it's just a breath freshener.

Newsies

I haven't seen Newsies in probably 11 years.  But in that time I've really struggled with my opinion on it.  When I first saw it, I thought it was pretty great.  Back when you played 4-square without a beer in your hand and the tile floor in the basement was an ice rink (Dibs Scott Hamilton!).  Since then, Newsies has gone to hell and back again as far as personal judgement.

I guess my opinions have evolved something like this...

Ages 0-10: Awesome!  Santa Fe.  Spot Conlon.  I want to be a newsie too! (Or is it "newsy"?)

Ages 11-14: Newsies?  What's that?  Anything with singing and dancing in it is totally gay and I would never watch something like that!  Did you see that Ken Shamrock-XPac fight last night?

Ages 15-17: Alright, its cool again!  Right there with "Tailspin" and the Passover episode of "Rugrats".

Ages 18-20: Kind of fuzzy...

Age 21 - Present: (After seeing clips on youtube) Christian Bale, really not the world's greatest dancer.

It really is a tough call, this one.  The story is pretty hokey, some of the songs are ridiculous, but then, it does have the king of New York in it.

Hail to the King, baby.

I can't call it overrated, its not popular enough.  Its too flawed to be underrated.  Truth is, cult status as a guilty pleasure is the best the newsies are ever gonna get.

So Newsies, I guess you're rated right.

You tell em' Billy.

Thundersticks

I've talked about this before.  But I feel it merits revisiting.

There are certain things that have no place at sporting events.  Beachballs, whistles, children under six, the wave, and thundersticks among them.

Thundersticks got their start in the NBA and College b-ball world.  Popping up behind the backboards to try and distract shooters.  I guess I'm cool with that, seeing as how they are used as a tool of mayhem and their use is directly related to the game.  

Image taken from one of the 81 seasonal Gay Pride rallies at Angels Stadium of Anaheim.

But then, something awful happened.  Thundersticks began to appear all over arenas and used as nothing more than a substitute for clapping so that fans may not sting their dainty palms.

I personally blame Angels fans for the appearance of thundersticks in baseball.  I don't remember ever seeing them anywhere else before I first saw them used by the consummately superficial fans of LA.  Part of me is shocked that they would risk destroying their nose jobs by waving long tube like objects in front of their own faces, but then they probably have lots of experience with that.

It is understandable I guess.  Without the thundersticks Angel fans might actually need to exert some real energy to cheer on their team.  Or they could break a nail and those manicures ain't cheap (even if they are oh so relaxing).  I've said it and I say it 'til they go away: be a man, clap your hands.

Thundersticks, you are supremely Overrated.