Ask a Hater: Slow Walkers

Question: Mr. Hater, why is it that when I've got to be somewhere I always find myself completely surrounded by slow walkers?

- Kevin J.

Dear Kage,

People are fat and lazy.  That's the answer to your question.  Am I saying anything knew?  Is this surprising?  Slow walkers have long been the bane of society, costing us our time, money, punctuality, and physical exercise.  

I personally only extend an exception to women under the age of 33 in high heels.  Because, I know she's wearing them for me and we've all got to make sacrifices.  I've gotta walk slower and she's gotta wear 'em.  But if you're 33 or older, what the hell are you doing in high heels anyway?  Get a husband already you old maid.

WAAAAAAAALK!

The worst is when I see people standing on escalators, motionless.  WALK!  You don't even have to walk fast, the thing is already moving.  Just move!  Especially if you're somewhere where time is significant, such as an airport or subway.  You think no one in that huge line you're creating behind you has anywhere to go?  Of course not.  I mean they wouldn't be at a subway station if they had anywhere to be.  How silly!  Just stand on that downward escalator as your fat ass blocks anyone pushing 15 minutes late for work trying desperately to make the D train that is about to pull out of the station.  Don't worry about it, I'm sure you had a difficult day, being fat and lazy and all.  Thank you sooooooo much!

In case you couldn't tell, I was being sarcastic.  Why is it that these people get to make me late for work, but then I have to pay a "soda tax" so they'll lose weight?  Where is the justice!